Stoopid is as stoopid does May 19, 2009

I read the metro every day. I don’t know why I do it, the paper only makes me angry. I must do it to myself as some sort of punishment, much like the way I look at the Daily Mail online and sit there silently shaking with anger at the stupid racist homophobic xenophobic arrogant c words that I just cant believe even exist never mind make a living out of twisting every news story to encourage their evil views. But with the metro I only get annoyed at their stupidity so I find I can read it on my journey to work without ruining my day. Also, its free.

Today marks their stupidest STUPIDEST “news story” ever. I accept it when they dedicate whole pages to opinion presented as fact, I ignore it when they let that gobsh*te Ross McDonagh loose on a full page article to attempt to pass off puns and sarcastic remarks as news but I CANNOT overlook an article with the caption “A new survey shows that smoking 20 cigarettes a day can cost you €3000 a year”

They had to commission a SURVEY to get some monkey to multiply 365 by €8?? Are they fucking kidding me??

She’s gone awol again April 16, 2009

last we  heard she was eating raw pavlova

this doesnt bode well

gastrofantastic April 7, 2009

To the virus in my tummy,

thank you for my virus, for the 2 days I spent in bed not able to eat a thing. For the 3 days I had to take of work. Not only did I get to stay at home and watch Jerry Springer and Maury and GMTV guilt free but I am also anorxic looking now. Please feel free to drop back any time espcially if I have an event coming up and need dramatic weight loss in a short space of time.

thanks and regards

Jetset

We know the truth April 2, 2009

Early this morning we received an anonymous message stating jetset has been kidnapped by pirates. We are currently negotiating her safe return although we cannot guarantee anything as so far we have failed to agree on the terms of the ransom. It would appear her kidnappers will only accept payment in cookies, but in such vast quantities and wide a range that we are struggling to obtain them in the timeframe allotted.

 

I don’t think there are any pirates. 

Mothers Day, the hard way March 23, 2009

For those of you who didn’t get it right on Mother’s Day, I have the perfect gift. I know it’s a day late, but take note for next year. First of all, make sure you are out of the country for the day in question, and don’t leave a card for her, she’ll love that. When on your holidays, be sure to do something that will involve kharma hitting you in the face with some kind of illness or injury, an infection will work best for this. Mams love it when you’re sick and abroad with no insurance. Once your illness has progressed to the level you would usually go to the doctors, phone home in a panic and shoot down any suggestions for how to resolve the issue with statements such as “We CANT go to the doctor it’s a Sunday and even if we could we don’t know where the doctor is! I think I need the HOSPITAL MAM!!”. Mams like nothing better than to hear you scream you need to visit the hospital in a foreign land. Eventually accept you will most likely survive the rest of the day but you need her to go to your house and find the prescription for antibiotics you have either in the chest of drawers, wardrobe, desk or possibly anywhere else in the house, and have them waiting for you the moment you arrive home. Mams love a good treasure hunt through your belongings.

Really made her feel special I think